September diary

Completely changed the blog

30 sept 2025

uploading a blog was becoming more work than it was fun, so i completely changed the idea. i saw some people do monthly recaps and i really like that idea, i think i am going to adopt that. i do want to continue writing book reviews, so i'll have to find a way to incorporate those. maybe i'll make a seperate section with them and link to them from the recap. i'll keep all my old blog posts in case anyone is ever bored enough to read them lol.

Dream log

17 sept 2025

i had a really weird dream. my dreams are usually very vivid, realistic and i can remember them (or at least, i remember what i remember, and i don't know what i don't remember.. maybe i'm only remembering 20% or less, but there's no way to know... anyway). i also have recurring dreams, or at least recurring themes. one of those is that when i want to get away from somewhere, something or someone, i 'remember' that i can fly and i fly. it genuinely takes effort, but it works. i've had countless moments where i 'remember' that i can fly because i remember my other dreams within the dream. i sometimes wonder when that started, i think it's a culmination of two types of dreams i used to have all the time: 1. ones where i jump from a very high building, free fall and then die, and 2. ones where i'm chased by a murderer and get killed. i haven't had any of those for a year or two now and instead i'm flying, so definitely an improvement.

anyway this dream i travelled back in time to visit my current love and i know i did because his hair was dark, but for some reason i think i was stuck there and i wasn't supposed to be there, so i escaped by flying away. the feeling of seeing everything below you get smaller and smaller is the best feeling in the world. i can reach anything i want, i can be out of anyone's reach, and the feeling of flying itself is something i can't describe. it's not cold but it feels fresh, i can feel the wind lifting me with every wing flap. there were only a handful of times where flying didn't work, but 80% of the time it does. i had a period where i had flying dreams almost every night and it made me look forward to sleeping.

Existential feelings

15 sept 2025

i don't know who would find my daily ramblings interesting apart from me, but that also makes it safe to talk about certain things that pop into my mind

it's extremely windy today, and on both sides of my current apartment, trees fill the entire view (i live on the second floor in amsterdam, so this is quite rare in my experience). watching the trees and leaves in the wind's violence has a really freeing effect on the mind but also gives some sort of existential dread.. it makes me wonder what the hell i'm doing sometimes, if i wouldn't much rather be standing on a hillside somewhere and subject myself to nature's whims. instead of remaining in the shell that we created for ourselves (neither one of us personally, but yet every one of us, just for the simple fact that we continue to participate..)

there is a world outside of ours, that's what it feels like. the things i find important are only important inside our bubble, but not outside of it. i don't know whether this realization makes it easier or harder to exist, but it does put things into perspective.

Ignorance is bliss

14 sept 2025

sometimes i wish i had stayed dumb. in some aspects 'knowing' only hurts you if it means you lose connection with the people around you. it doesn't matter what it is about. but sometimes ignorance really is bliss, today i wished that i was psychologically dumber than i am because it would be so much easier. or else that i would care less about certain things. but knowing a lot and caring a lot is an edged sword, sometimes i feel like it only hurts me instead of helping. never feeling understood is not a fun feeling, and your brain constantly trying to build bridges to other people in vain is also not fun. it makes me want to scream from a mountaintop! better days ahead