Levelled up in Maslow's pyramid
The past month I've started to feel so at home at my new place, some days it feels like a curse, but I just loove being home now (especially when the weather outside is nice... oops). It gives me time to process everything and take a breather. Data collection for my research project is going well, but it's quite intense, and I haven't even started to think about the statistics yet. I do really enjoy statistics though so I hope that will help... I will probably have to do a GLMM or a PCA or both (I think I have multiple response variables...) Here are some Oniscus asellus we found for your viewing pleasure (and a millipede!):
I also started to give some serious thought to what direction I want to continue in after graduating. It's been over three years since I discovered I wanted to become a biologist/ecologist, but I had no idea about what I wanted to specify in. I thought that would reveal itself along the way, but so far it hasn't... until this month I suppose. I couldn't get this one lecture about polar bears that we got (from a leading polar bear expert!) out of my mind. I've loved bears since forever, but it just never occured to me. I also think it's a highly specific field and so probably competitive. But I also love the arctic in general and suddenly feel it pulling... I would so love to do my thesis about anything related to the polar regions, it doesn't even have to be bears if I know it's related to their habitat. Lichens, sea ice, seals, respiration, I don't care, anything! So the past month I've also spent emailing people around the world to inquire about projects... I'll keep you guys updated... I have to do my literature thesis first so it will be a while.
Finally I feel like I have time and space to grow. For one and a half years I was in survival mode, not knowing whether I was going to find a place to live (and where, and for how long, and how much). It has taken a couple of months for that stress to wear off and it might take another couple of months. Some days it still feels unreal that I'm living somewhere indefinitely and won't have to move again, some days it still feels like yesterday that I was crying on the phone to my mom that I didn't want to stay in a homeless shelter. Now I'm picking out colours to paint my kitchen, getting to know my neighbours and host dinner parties with my friends. That's all I have to say on that, it has made me very grateful.
On repeat
Tame Impala - Dracula
Interview with Ms. LightSteelBlue in 3166, quarter-sun issue #201
Q: Ms. LightSteelBlue, thanks for doing this interview with us. On the /palettes page you are found in Swan. Can you tell us how Swan makes you feel?
A: Thank you for inviting me. It makes me feel slightly cold, and that reminds me of Niphile. So overall I would have to say it makes me feel somber.
Q: I’m sorry to hear that. To our readers, would you mind explaining who Niphile is? The last time you mentioned them was in the new-sun issue of ‘163 or ‘164, I think.
A: Oh, I don’t enjoy talking about it…
Q: We can skip to the next question if you like.
A: No, they have been brought up now. I met Niphile in new-sun ‘162. It was a particularly cold year, at its coldest it got to 230K, or something like that. I came home after dark and found them sheltering on my window under the roof. Even snow can get too cold I think.
That year and the next remained cold, which is how we were able to get to know eachother. I started to develop feelings for them, I saw myself reflected in them, their crystalline structure. We spent time outside, inside, in the air, on the land. They were wonderful, I could be myself and they couldn’t be anything but themselves. We complemented each other, enveloped eachother. I can safely say that we became one.
Q: That sounds like an intense love.
A: It was. One day it was forecasted that the year would be warmer. I was apprehensive, but could do nothing but watch. It rose to 278K and Niphile was gone. I looked everywhere, on the outskirts too, but nothing was left of them.
Q: I’m sorry to hear that. Well, who knows? You may find them again one day. We have heard of stranger things happening.
A: Who knows.
Q: Thank you for sharing. You are also found on /guestbook in all your glory. How do you feel about that?
A: It gives me great joy. One text even said and I quote, that “it feels like I'm at an old cottage looking at a view of the sea through a window”. I could not imagine a bigger compliment than that! I should almost blush.
Q: That does sound lovely, I imagine you don’t mind spending your days there so much.
Concluding this interview with Ms. LightSteelBlue, thank you Ms. LightSteelBlue for your story and we hope to see you next year.
A: Thank you and goodbye.
Oniscus asellus doesn't have lungs?!
February
The past month I was mostly sick at home, feeling absolutely frustrated with myself. I think starting this year I'm going to just get a flu shot, because I'm sick of being sick lol. I was able to start my internship on isopods somewhat, but it's too cold now to collect them. we did discover that oniscus asellus does not have lungs, so that explains why we weren't able to see them with the microscope. how do they breathe?! with gills I suppose. ecology is full of surprises! below is the lung of an isopod (it was dead when we dissected it), with inverted colours to increase visibility. the black branchy part is the lung.
I'm finally starting to settle into my new place. Once the stress of trying to find a place started wearing off, I noticed I got energy again for drawing! So I've been more productive lately which I'm very happy about :) I also got my bookcase and put all my books and sculptures in it and it's looking soo nice, I can't wait to get a CD player and connect my speakers so I can finally listen to my CD's again.
Lately, I'm on neocities tinkering on my website almost everyday. I never thought I'd enjoy building my own website so much and I've had some lovely interactions the past month. Tabf5 made me a tabling and sent me stickers, Oopsiedoodle sent me a sticker and a delightful furby activism pamphlet (both still have to arrive, so I'm waiting patiently.....), Ari included me in her arivertisement banner (check it out on my links page)! It warms my heart and reminds me why I enjoy this corner of the web so much. It all feels organic, intentional and sincere.
Speaking of, I do find some aspects of the neocities dashboard to be a bit too reminiscent of social media. I wish I could hide likes, views and followers, as I don't think those should matter. We are wired to care about these types of metrics because they feel rewarding, but it shifts the focus from quality and creativity, to quantity, traction, engagement, numbers, and growth. I think we've become so used to this that we automatically include it everywhere, but I don't see what the function of it is except for signaling to someone else that we approve. But we don't need approval.
My goal is not to gain followers or end up on some front page, but to create a space that I enjoy (in both creating it and inhabiting it), to share with others. So I'm trying to find a balance in using the Neocities dashboard. I've considered turning off profile comments, but I don't want to discourage anyone from talking to me, and for small interactions it's convenient. but I have to say, I love receiving a guestbook comment or an email and prefer that by a mile. if anyone is reading this, please feel free to email me whenever you want, you are not intruding or disturbing me. it feels like receiving a letter in the mail, it makes my day. profile comments are inevitably buried and that makes me sad...
I hope everyone can find their own balance in these things, because I do believe it is highly personal and there isn't one perfect way to do things. if it gives you enjoyment, you're probably doing it right. and if it doesn't, then it should be let go of.
On repeat
Justine and the Victorian Punks - Still you
On using social media as art platforms
I've tried but the social media format like twitter, cara, bsky, mastodon, cohost (rip), etc. just does not work for me. It doesn't motivate me to post, archiving is abysmal, and it feels too focussed on engagement when I'm simply too busy to be on there enough to be "rewarded" by the algorithm. It took a while for me to realize and to be able to let go of this specific format, just because of habit. But I feel like it has been a complete waste of my time and energy without anything in return, and I feel almost relieved that I'm making the decision to close most of my social media accounts. I implore everyone to critically evaluate their social media presence. Is it intentional or just 'out of habit', or even just for lack of a better alternative? For me both of these were the case. Over the past half year I built my own website and it has been infinitely more rewarding. Besides the satisfaction of building it myself, I have already had so many meaningful interactions with other indieweb creators, that continuing to spend effort on maintaining social media accounts that take all my time and energy without anything in return is starting to feel like a serious waste of resources.
I only wish I'd been able to convince myself of this sooner. I spent many years fumbling around different platforms to find a good 'fit', and each time was a disappointment. T*mblr is the only one that stuck and where I still truly enjoy posting and spending time. I think one of the reasons it's so hard to let go is the promise of 'exposure'. New platforms feel relevant for a while, and especially for artists (and at least for me) that is an incentive to engage. But it's an empty promise. Algorithms are way too opaque to truly optimize your output and besides, the whole focus on 'output' makes me cringe, as if I were some sort of art machine with a production quota. It has sucked out all the joy of creating for me without even realizing it. Initially, the bursts of engagement can feel rewarding, but that's not the reason I create. In my opinion, the coupling of creativity to engagement is a death sentence, and it happens very covertly. Creativity is like a flame and social media is like a swamp, it's basically impossible to keep it alive in there. Actually, let's not insult that beautiful ecosystem. It's more like a dirty, trashy alley. I refuse to let that kill my creative spirit, and I'm glad I was able to realize that before it was fully too late. It took discovering that there are truly alternatives that can be a nurturing space to creativity and connection in more ways than one, without the fear of becoming irrelevant the second life gets busy.
I create because it helps me to express myself, and I simply enjoy it. For no other reason. To me, drawing feels like second nature, like breathing. I don't have to think about it, in fact, it's something I can only do when I'm at ease in life and my head is at rest. Social media has put a figurative (or maybe even literal, who knows) pricetag on my hobby, and I fully reject that. I hope that this way, my creativity can become entirely mine again and that it will continue to bring me happiness, as it has for the past 20 years.
Thank you all for reading this far, for sticking by me through platforms and through time, and for spending time on my internet home. And thank you Molly for putting Neocities back on my radar and making me consider it a viable alternative.
Isopods research
January
Yes I skipped december, because I was just too busy with moving and it wouldn't be an interesting read anyway. I'm still not really settled. I got most of the stuff out of boxes, and where I want it to be. But I still have to get a table (eating from a picnick table is fun, when you're picnicking) and my bookcase which is still at my ex's house. In due time...
I finished Jane Eyre, really enjoyed it, didn't love it as much as Wuthering Heights. Why was the end rushed like that? Glossing over a firstborn, hello? What did I read 300 pages about St. John for?! Jokes aside I really liked it despite my frustrations with it.
I watched Frankenstein (2025). Well... I liked it at first, but I soon learned lots of things were changed from the original. If you are going to make an adaptation of a masterpiece, why would you change any important plotpoints? Other than the ones that won't fit in the medium, you can't improve it even if you wanted to... my message to filmmakers out there who want to adapt a work such as Frankenstein or Wuthering Heights: consider yourself an amplifier, and stop making arrogant changes to a story that is already perfect the way it is because the result will almost certainly be worse! Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
Anyway the isopods! I am going to study isopods inside and outside of the city. It should be interesting because they are generalists, so I actually don't expect a big difference in fitness...
Lastly I'm feeling a bit disillusioned with how much stuff and junk I have, and humans in general. I wish I could live without it. I feel like, living in the modern world, we aren't really given a choice. Though there are people like Rob Greenfield (if he's even legit) who can do it, but how could I? I would have to change my entire life, and my country is also not really accomodating to wild living. But it would make me happy to reduce even 20%. I have too many of everything (bags, coats, notebooks, clothes, books). I make an exception for books because I consider them a hobby. But clothing is really unacceptable and notebooks that I don't want to write in because I want to keep them precious...? And don't even get me started about the digital hoarding. Is our entire life spent collecting and then reducing stuff? That's not what I want. I'm not a hoarder by any means, but there is always a voice in me that says 'but what if you need it later' or 'what if you regret it'. That has happened a couple of times, and might be the most psychologically painful feeling to me there is, so I try to avoid that at all costs, and that means I have a lot of useless junk. I might just get a big plastic box, walk through my house to see what I use, and throw the rest in there and put it in the attic. If I haven't touched it again in a year, it goes.... Cosmetics is another thing, but those will simply run out, so I'm not too worried about that. I'll at least not buy anything new.
On repeat
Kate Bush - Lake Tahoe
Life resumed! Genomics kinda boring...
November
Super late with these diaries, but I'm also trying to catch up on an entire month of life missed due to my concussion lol. It's going much better so I started my classes of Evolutionary Genomics. I find local adaptation and selection very interesting but I have to say genomics so far is not my favourite. I'm looking forward to Scientific Advocacy though, I really like meta analyses. Below is the haplotype network we made for the garden dormouse populations across Europe using ARTIS population samples and existing sequences.
I watched Bugonia in the theater, absolutely loved it. So far I've seen most of Lanthimos' films, I generally love his style and storytelling. My favourites are probably The Favourite, Bugonia and TKOASD. I also like The Lobster but I actually really dislike the narration. Poor Things was also amazing but it was so long I feel like I should probably watch it again. Dogtooth is really too weird and uncomfortable to recommend it to anyone.
I also collected mushrooms for (probably) the last time this year. We weren't able to find Lepista but we did find Coprinus comatus (really late in the year!!!) and they were in super condition so we used those instead. I have to say they were super tasty which I didn't expect so I hope to find some next year during the summer.
On repeat
Enya - Caribbean Blue
Concussion, life paused
October
I got a concussion on the 15th. I banged my head before teaching and it wasn't even that hard, but the day after I got extreme vertigo and it wouldn't go away even after sleeping for 3 hours. I called my love in a panic and he came and we went to the hospital. Scans were fine luckily. But I spent the better half of october in bed or on the couch amd I'm still recovering. So this diary is late and also a bit weird because I don't have much to say.
I hope it will recover soon. currently, I have mostly good days, with a bit of dizziness in the evenings (but no vertigo thankfully). This is also the first time I'm updating my site again which is a good sign, because the thought of doing any sort of coding made my head spin a few weeks ago.
I was the most sad that I couldn't read, even that was too much. so I'm very relieved that I could start reading again a week ago.
On repeat
Super Mama Djombo - Djugudé Fidalgo
Ecology and evolution
September
I started my msc (Ecology & Evolution), but I have to say I didn't really enjoy the first course so I'm glad september is over. there were a couple of rainy weeks but the weather has been perfect lately which makes my 40 minute bikeride to the university easier.
On repeat
Mano Negra - Out of Time Man
Summertime jam making
August
Just enjoying the summer break and seeing lots of friends and doing fun stuff. We had a small heatwave where I stayed inside. Towards the end of the month I made elderberry jam which was super fun, I have some pots left for throughout the year and I hope to keep this as a yearly tradition! :) I now know where the best trees are located in the city!
On repeat
Ti.po.ta, Manu Chao, Klelia Renesi - Moonlight Avenue